If
Ryan Seacrest had ever been to Nigeria and spent at least a month here, I am
convinced he would never have produced keeping up with the Kardashians because
he would have realized Nigerians are way more fun than a bunch of pretty
attention seeking Los Angeles reality celebrities.
Nigerians
are the most fascinating, dynamic, complex, double faced, hypocritical,
religious, butt kissing human beings you will ever meet anywhere in the world.
We
have so many peculiarities synonymous to us that make Nigerians the most
entertaining and intriguing people you will come across. Some of these
peculiarities are what I am going to be focusing on.
i.
Nigerians are the only people I know
who threaten you with their car keys and tongue:
For
example, Kunle gets stuck in traffic, he sees a wrong turn that is free and
decides to use that lane to get to work faster, LASTMA stops him and slaps a
fine of N10, 000 on him; instead of apologizing Kunle goes on a mad man rant
holding his car keys in his right hand while his left hand is in his pockets. He
flays about like an uncoordinated ballerina shouting…do you know who I am? I will deal with you stupid people! By the time I
am done you will wish you had never met me! It doesn’t matter if Kunle is
wrong because like the typical Nigerian he is we do not like to listen. If you
tell us to go left, we will go right. Do not urinate here and that is exactly
where everyone wants to take a leak. It is in our nature to be indignantly
disobedient and to always use ‘agidi’
to defend our case. The car keys become the main threat of pepper or the right to brag as a ‘big boy’.
ii.
Young Nigerian Girls are crazy
about tech gadgets:
I
remember when Nokia 3310 came to Nigeria over 12 years ago, it was so expensive
people that lived in my street wore it over their necks like a necklace so it wouldn’t
get lost. Girls who were turning guys down would trip at the sight of a guy who
had a 3310 phone. Technology has improved since then and the new craze for the last
four years is the Blackberry phone. The most interesting thing about this phone
is the sentimental value attached to the phone by young women; the more
expensive it is, the better they feel. I have seen videos of young girls
molested for stealing the phone, pictures of a young woman killed for the same
crime and pictures of many others who were stripped and poked at for getting
caught while stealing the phone. We attach importance to things of little value
and we lack patience in getting luxury. We believe that the vagina is the best
price to pay for the good things of life.
iii.
Nigerians are the most impatient
people:
The
impatience of Nigerians is so famous that customer care representatives and
other workers who have direct contact with customers are trained on how to deal
with impatient Nigerians. Go to the bank and you are guaranteed drama.
I was here first,
but I went upstairs to see someone
No you were not
here first!
Maka Chukwu if you
enter my front somebody will die here!
Madam abeg take
N1,000 help me process this my small request first.
These
are some of the lines you hear, there is so much tension in the air it can be
cut with a knife!
I
remember one time we were stuck in traffic and after waiting for almost one
hour for it to clear, a car came out of nowhere, with the driver risking his
life and that of his passengers, whisked by traffic like a scene from Tokyo drift
and drove off into the night, wherever it is we are always rushing to, I hope I
find out someday. Take a more careful look and you will see that the bane of
our problems is impatience. We want shortcuts all the time; we want everything
quick and fast. Young men these days don’t want to wait till they are 40 years
old to drive a Range Rover of N15million, they want it now. They don’t mind
stuffing cocaine in their butt to get it. Our leaders don’t want to work, they
rather use public funds to fuel their luxurious lifestyle; besides what is the
money there for. We lack accountability because we feel it is a waste of time.
Blood money is not only a scene from a horribly directed Nigerian movie, it
happens for real. I just hope our greed and impatience does not take us to the
grave too soon.
iv.
People hate on you when you are
young, rich and successful:
Young,
rich and successful, three words that most Nigerians are not. So when they see
people on tv who have worked hard, with a bit of luck to get everything that
most people do not get till they die, Nigerians get green with envy and their
eyes fire up with jealousy.
Whizkid has bought
a house in Lagos:
smh….that small boy he doesn’t even want
to live in a rented apartment anymore…omashe ooooo (is it your money he used to
buy the house!!!)
Davido spent N1,
000, 000 at a night club:
all these unfortunate spoilt rich kids……spending
money that they did not work for…..smh (if you probably had the money you would
go sick spending more money than Davido).
We
take pleasure drinking panadol for other people’s headache, we waste time playing
holy father Francis when rich people take time out to spend money they have
earned…..
People
will always hate on success, probably because they will never get it, instead
of finding ways to make their lives better…. I guess Nigerians are just so
interesting this way because this is the coping mechanism they use to deal with
their ordinary existence.
v.
Every Lagosian is a Job Man:
Lagos
is the most interesting place to be in Nigeria. It is so fascinating to see a
populace of more than 8 million people inter-relating, co-habituating and
trying to make a living anyway, anyhow. If you have not cheated someone, stolen
from somebody or made a fool out of a person and vice-versa, then you are not a
proper Lagosian. My dad like most Igbo men in Lagos has a shop where he sells pharmaceutical
products on one side of the shop and household provisions on the other side of
the shop. Most of the products in the shop are not tagged with prices and when I
asked my dad why, he told me every product was given a price depending on the
customer who was buying. If a rich man drove to the shop in a nice looking
jeep, a blood tonic of N500 suddenly becomes N1, 500 because rich people never
question the price or ask why. My dad has been cheated not once or twice and he
has gotten street smarter over time. I remember one time when I went to Lagos
to see my family; I was with my dad in the shop on a slow uneventful weekday. A
man came into the shop; middle-aged, handsome faced, driving a nice looking Mercedes
car. He walked into the shop and said that he needed N5, 000 to fix his car
that had suddenly developed faults and he would return later in the day to pay
back the money he wanted to borrow from my dad. My dad looked at him with an
annoyed expression on his face and said “I do not drive a car, you come into my
shop asking me to borrow you N5, 000 to repair your nice Mercedes, my friend,
walk out now before I embarrass you!” I almost laughed my butt off. The man,
unperturbed went further down the street and tried the same story/trick on other
people. I have seen men deaf and dumb during the day that could speak and hear
at night, crippled men begging at Cele Bridge who could walk to a “school”. Women
begging in public transport to feed their seven children because their husbands
had ‘hypothetically’ died of unknown illnesses. I have seen them all but the surprising
thing is that I am always astounded at the level of creativity that people put
to make a lie into a reality. I think that’s the reason why people always give
to those so called ‘destitute people’. I always have to look twice before entering
a danfo, make sure the faces aren’t too hard, black, hungry or worn out and
ensure there is the right mix of people in the bus. I have been robbed
severally in danfo buses and I never realize it most times until it has
happened. I don’t walk around with purses on the streets of Lagos and I always take
a glance to see who is around me all the time. The Lagos logo is “Be on alert at all times, that thou shalt
not be the next mugu!”
vi.
Nigerian Girls never want to put
out:
The
common belief among Nigerian girls is that men make money to spend on women,
Chikena! If he takes you to Sheraton for lunch, you lounge at the pool side
with a N25, 000 bottle of champagne while waiting for your food to settle,
spontaneously decide to go on a shopping trip where you spend N150, 000 from
his credit card and finish off the day with Chinese sea food at an expensive Chinese
restaurant. When it’s time for him to enjoy himself, you won’t even give the
poor guy a good night kiss!! Common ladies, even the devil is not so cruel. We
expect so much from men but put in little effort, we act like we do them a
favour by walking arm in arm with them. If Bimpe’s man bought her a Bold 5 then
Sara’s
must buy her a Z10. Nothing else would do. When
time for sex comes, it is suddenly that time of the month when she is having
her cycle, really ladies! Not even the woman with the issue of blood in the
bible ‘hypothetically’ bleeds as much as you!
vii.
Lovers
Quarrels are settled with acids:
Nigerians
are crazy that way. Someone breaks your heart and instead of moving on with
your life, you decide to pour the person acid. Just check the Punch and Sun
newspaper every week and I am sure that you will find one or two stories of men
or women who have poured acid on each other because of heart break and hurt. If
I can’t have you, no one else will!
We
love ourselves the way we are, mad people walking on the streets with sane
people, no one knows the difference, We are just struggling, trying to find our
way in this life and hoping that we die better than we were born!