CONTROL

Whoever said money was not a route to happiness has definitely been living in a monastery or under a rock for a very long time. There are other factors but money makes it easier to find them.

I come from a family where we have always had to worry about money. There was never any extra for frivolities like toys, dolls, gaming systems, new dresses whenever I wanted or those other things most kids had or wished they had. I didn’t give it too much thought because I hadn’t been exposed to it so I didn’t know what I was missing until the Christmas of 1999.

It was a small tradition of my family that once a year either at Christmas or New Year my mum would take us on an outing. Sometimes it was to the amusement park, the beach, a new fast food restaurant we had been dying to eat at or somewhere nice we could dress up for and have fun. That year, money was so tight; my mum had us dress up and told us we were going out. We were excited as we anticipated where we were going when strangely we ended up at the photography studio, to take a picture. That was our trip that year. I was so angry at my parents I cried the whole of Boxing Day. From that moment a new fantasy took root in my head; I fantasized about getting hit by the convoy of a super-rich businessman or politician and to shut me up he would give my family a lot of money so we could go to the park when we wanted, buy clothes in August and get takeout on a Thursday. I wanted the control of a different life where I didn’t have to settle; one where I could afford a computer and Nintendo set with some fancy train sets like the one my neighbours had. I wanted the control to change things or suddenly switch to a better family.

A few months later while playing in the backyard with some friends I saw the kids next door cooking. Their parents left them alone to sort out how they fed for lunch so they put beans in a rusty sardine can, rice in a peak milk container and they cooked it with charcoal they had stolen from a street food seller. I was horrified watching the two boys as they sat patiently waiting for the micro meal to be ready. Two young boys with a growing appetite having to share that little meal would have been inconceivable if I had not seen it.

I noticed how they watched me and my siblings when we sometimes ate our meals outside if mum wasn’t home. There was jealously in their eyes and a salivating tongue spurred from hunger as they watched us eat. Imagine if they had control; they would have switched lives with me in a hurry just to have food to eat. Suffice to say none of the kids from that family went beyond secondary school because they had nonchalant parents who had left them to their own devices since we were kids.

I have always had trouble sleeping for as long as I can remember. When it was time to go to sleep at 10:00pm, I would dread the night. Nightmares always got me up at 2-3 am and I wouldn’t be able to sleep till 5am. I would stay awake listening to my parents arguing about money or whatever frustrations it had brought them. When they slept I watched my siblings sleep, the way their eyes twitched when something uncomfortable happened in their dreams or how peaceful they looked lying there oblivious to the world. I wanted control to be able to take back my night and go to sleep without waking up with terror filled screams wrenched from my vocal chords. Sometimes my parents took turns staying up with me but I didn’t get control of the night till I went to boarding school.

A couple of months ago, the Chibok girls were kidnapped. Boko Haram had upped the game as they showed the government that they could get away with anything without punishment. It was terrifying; the kind of events that only happened in movies and thriller novels. For two months after that event, I woke up almost every night at 2 am to check that the world outside was the same as I left it when I closed my eyes. I was paranoid about anything going awry. Sometimes when I couldn’t sleep because of fear of security I blamed the government who were and still are unable to rescue the young girls from captivity. If the Chibok girls could be taken so easily then none of us are really safe. I imagined how scary it must have been to have their lives, families and dreams ripped from them so suddenly. When I watched the terrorist leader saying that some of the girls had been married off or sold and a few were already pregnant, my heart was hollow. I wonder how trapped they felt when they were forced to convert to Islam, married off to strangers, no school, no family or friends, no dreams just a bleak present. Will they think of the 2013 Christmas they spent at home among those they loved with chunks of meat, chicken and rice that was traditionally enjoyed? This year there would be no Christmas for them. It will be just another day in a strange life surrounded by people they want to escape from. I thought I had nightmares but these girls are living a nightmare.

If they had control, they probably wouldn’t be in Borno State. They would use control to move the people they loved to a safe state. If they had control, all those who took their innocence would die the most violent death possible. If they had control, a different government with a more effective approach would have rescued them and all the horrors they endured would have been avoided.

Anyone remember the 2007 elections; how Jonathan promised us fresh air if we voted for him. I have never seen so many people excited for elections as I witnessed Nigerians who put their faith in GEJ to lead us to a better life. The riots in the north when Buhari didn’t win were ugly. Young men and boys killing Christians and foreigners as they protested the results of the election drew focus to the inherent problems the president would face. Some National Youth Corp members were killed. The violent men just seized anyone who was wearing a security uniform and killed them. What would these dead people do if they had control?

I imagine they would have given their bosses ultimatums to provide adequate security for them or they would have gotten out before things got crazy. Maybe they would be here anticipating Christmas with us and planning just how much space they would need to make in the tummy for all the food they would eat this holiday season. They would run to other parts of the country where people don’t slice open your throat if they find the result of an election unfavourable. If only they had control before they died…

Money is power, power gives ability, ability gives you purpose and purpose keeps you straight. When you have control, your shoulders don’t slack nor do your brows furrow. You don’t wake up at odd hours of the night worrying about things you have no power over. Control makes us feel safe and secure; it gives us the fantasy that we can go as far as we want without interruptions. There are so many things in life I wish I had control over; things I wish I could change, form or order… but once in a while I get a moment of clarity when I have an epiphany that lets me know that sometimes I don’t need to have control. I just have to trust God to take charge, enjoy the happy moments with those I love and be thankful because there are people who will always wish they had my life.