THE SHARK WORLD OF DATING

Growing up I was always regaled by my parents with different versions of how I met your mother and vice versa… The short version of the story is that my dad saw my mum passing by and he traced her to where she worked at the time; soon they started courting and not long after that he was going to Mbano to pay her bride price. There was no long period of wooing, side chicks or games played. In those days a man saw a woman he liked, put the moves, courted her and soon after they got married. It didn’t matter too much if he had money or prospects, women didn’t care how the man would look on their arms, if he snored in the night when he slept, if he was a chronic womanizer and a regular drunk. It was simple and uncomplicated. To think there was a time when virgins were a thing and men who were willing to wait didn’t seem so out of this world. Omashe ooo... .See how times have changed; even if parents still refuse to believe that men and women of our time are nothing like the golden ages before the 90s.

Relationships now are so much more. There are complications, intensity, lies, cheating, studies to be done on the other person, cat and mouse games to be played, insincerity of intentions and so much distrust!

I recently had the opportunity to visit Port Harcourt for the Christmas holidays (which is where the inspiration for this post came from). I have never been to any city or town with as much sexual energy and testosterone as I witnessed in Port Harcourt. The men and women in that town are pros at playing relationship mind games. It was confusing yet interesting to witness young married men engaging in serious relationships with ladies who were very well aware that these men were married.  Said men have spent time at the school of female fine tuning so they know how to act, what to say and when to turn up that sexual energy that makes them so confident. These guys almost never tell the truth…they are so good at lying that it seems like they have been able to convince themselves that they are actually right to involve themselves in relationships with two or more females (very few men in PH who are monogamous). 

It is a vicious world out there for those dating or hoping to start a relationship soon… good partners are few and far between; the best thing to do these days is to have an idea of what to look out for, the things to expect and how to make your partner happy to a large extent.

Most men are pretty straightforward with what they want. The men who want to cheat will do so no matter what you do so just hope for one who isn’t a skirt chaser. Majority just want a woman who looks healthy, doesn’t stop taking care of her body after marriage, amazing sex as often as they can get it, good food in the tummy, someone who doesn’t nag all the time and a supportive partner who they are eager to come home to. Before marriage it is hard to tell the ones who look serious simply for the sake of banging you, the idiots who will string you along for years with the promise of marriage, the liars who have kids and a family in another world but will introduce you to their friends as the ONE, the good looking and well-built guys driving their fathers’ cars and telling you they are on the path to success when all they want is to suck you dry…financially and physically or the wife beaters who appear to be more gentle than doves yet will start to hammer you slaps and punches faster than you can blink as soon they have you tied down to commitment.

With women it is not so simple because we are created by God to bring mischief and cause chaos in the world. Just look at Adam…imagine how we would have been lounging in our glorious nudity in the Garden of Eden, eating strawberries and drinking the best kind of red wine. Eve just had to come mess it all up with her curiosity and wahala. She blessed all women with the ability to turn a man’s head to mush and to use their feminine wiles to get him to kolo and we have honed these skills over time to get to where we are. Good women are hard to find…even harder than good men these days. Our eye too dey shook for beta thing; greed will not let us see the goodness standing right in front us and it even causes us to give up on happiness. Most woman  don’t want to marry just for  the sake of love because we want a man with prospect and some money… we don’t even want to think of marriage before we hit 25 or meet the jackpot man who has it all put together and is willing to settle down fast. Women always want to be right…don’t bother trying to argue with us because it only infuriates us further; men should learn to say YES HONEY AM SORRY even when a woman is wrong. Women don’t like to spend their own money on themselves when they have a man in their lives. He doesn’t even have to be a confirmed boyfriend…a toaster will do. She might be earning 100% more than what you earn but she wants you to foot ALL bills when you go out together, buy her expensive present that will make her friends green with envy, be possessive and clingy even when she complains and ensure you have loads of cash. Most females don’t really care if he has a job or not because as long as he has money to spend the doors to her heart will open gradually for you till you collect the keys. She wants to feel like she is the only one who has your mumu button and the password to your phone and your social media account details so she can snoop on you whenever she feels like. She wants you to give her privacy but expect none, make all the sacrifices in the relationship and get little from her in terms of contributing financially to the relationship. We want it all but without investing too much in return in case it goes haywire.

Let’s look at the first step of dating which is asking out a girl. It used to be pretty straightforward; you see a girl you like and you ask her out and if she likes you she says yes and if she doesn’t she either gives you attitude, bitch the hell out of you or if you’re lucky you get a polite answer. It’s a tad bit different these days. A guy doesn’t just walk up to a girl and ask her out. Oh no! men now like to get a feel of the girls first; he makes enquires from his friends and her friends and she does the same, as he steps up to ask her out he already has all the background information on her that you would usually have to get on the first date and even when they start dating nothing is set in stone because he isn’t even sure yet if he is going to make her a side chic or main girlfriend as that all depends on the antics of the female, level of attraction and what qualities he is really looking for. Most of my relatives these days usually get their girlfriends pregnant before they are even convinced about marrying her.

Women usually have a good handle for relationships; they are vicious, calculating, manipulative and nurturing. A man never knows where he stands with a female till he puts a ring on her finger because until then she has been the one pulling all the strings with him not even knowing it as she lets him enjoy a false sense of control while she gets a feel for what his intentions are. Is he just looking for a fling or a side chic, is he a poor pretender just stringing me along, is he looking to settle down but needs a little push in the right direction (when the relationship starts to drag for years without any future), as soon as she makes up her mind about his intentions, her choices are few. Get as money as you can out of him before you leave his sorry ass on the sidewalk, do something drastic to force his hand into marriage or decide that being a side chic isn’t so bad as long as the benefits are good.

Married people are not spared because like I said earlier there are a lot of married couples who are actively engaged in dating for different reasons (most of it boils down to monotony and sex anyways) and I can imagine how it must feel to have a partner you feel you cannot trust. Just when you think he/she is safe from the eyes of the opposite sex because of the ring, you find out that you never really stop worrying about what happens to you when he/she becomes bored with one partner.

It is not all bad though; there are young men out there who are sincere, loyal and faithful without any glitches and there are women who want to hustle, be independent and love you as you come.

It’s a scary world out there for single people who are looking for someone they can call theirs; I guess all we can do is observe carefully before we commit and pray that the Lord has mercy on our poor, fragile hearts and provides us with someone who would make us happy in every sense of the word.