That’s Mark Zuckerberg running around in Lagos. He feels so comfortable and at ease doing something so simple because he is on the Island, where Keke and Okada aren’t going to come out of nowhere and fling him over the bridge.
When danfo drivers, bus conductors and other disoriented, wayward fellas make their way to the Island, they mellow. You see it in the way their voice become calmer, shut doors, stopping at traffic lights and following rules. It's like something changes when you’re on the Island. Everything is structured from streets, sidewalks, beautiful trees, attractive billboards and organized white danfo buses. Generally, it’s a lot less rowdy and life is easier.
There are two sides to the city of Lagos. The Mainland and Island. If you live on the Island, especially the highbrow areas of Victoria Island, Lekki, Ikoyi and beyond, you should probably skip this article but if you’re in Ebutte Meta, Surulere, Yaba, Coker, Costain, Ijora, Palmgrove, and the rest of the mainland, read on.
Once they pass Law School, something changes, as they head towards Obalende or CMS, the agbero pops out as the doors are flung wide open, traffic laws disregarded and everyone is suddenly on high alert. Why? Because you’ve just crossed over to the jungle. Thankfully, there are rules that guide the jungle, from feeding hierarchy, navigating public transport, staying out of trouble and most importantly, surviving each day without getting your butt kicked.
What should I know about living in Lagos?
1. Uniformed personnel are not your friends
It might strike you as odd butpray not to fall into trouble in Lagos. You’ve got LASTMA on the road from 8 am until 4 pm waiting to catch you for the slight offence. By “catch” I don’t mean hold you and give you a fine, I mean extort N20,000-N30,000 from you for doing things no one told you was wrong.
The police is another division with a bad rep not just in Lagos but the rest of Nigeria, so make sure you have all your particulars and do exactly as they say to avoid getting shot.
2. Only God can save you from one-chance
Honestly, there is no good advice that will prepare you for the life-changing experience with one-chance, danfo robbers, or thieves who parade as passengers and rob good people of money and valuables. Sometimes they force you to empty your account, rape young women, kill and kidnap. Here are a few tips that might help.
- If it's not Lagbus, look thrice before you enter.
- Don’t enter if there is only one seat left
- If all the passengers are men, skip
- Do not carry cash you can’t afford to lose in public transport
3. Stay alert when moving in public
I remember one time I boarded a bus from Ijesha to Lawanson. I spent most of the ride daydreaming about living with Michael Jackson on his ranch and making cute babies together. By the time we got to Itire road, the Samsung phone I was holding in my hand was gone! Stay alert in public buses, hold your bag tight and look out for suspicious movement.
4. You can find a bus to Heaven at Oshodi
Not exactly Heaven where God lives but if you ever get lost, head over to Oshodi and there’ll be a bus to your location. One time when I was to return back to boarding school, my mum was tired of always taking me to the park. She decided to send me on my own and said, “Make your way to Oshodi and find your way”. She was right. I found a bus that linked me to another bus heading to Kogi state where my school was located.
5. Everybody is angry in Lagos
Before Buhari, Lagosians have always been an aggressive bunch. Rushing to jobs that took two hours to reach because of traffic and feeling victorious at 8 pm when you’ve successfully weaved your way in and out of traffic in the fight to make it home before your kids go to bed.
You can understand why the Eleron selling meat starts cursing at you when you price his market too low, or the bus conductor calls you Oloshi because you gave him N500 for a bus fare of N50. Everyone is frustrated, one small trigger and they let it all out on you.
6. Transportation is expensive
The first thing you’ll have to learn when you arrive Lagos is how to get around without emptying your pockets. The best option is the LAGBUS. In some cases, Its cheaper by about 50%, loads faster, has its’ own lanes, secure and features comfortable seats. Best of all, you’re not scared of one-chance or frustrated conductors screaming at you for no reason.
Sadly, Lagbuses don’t go everywhere, your next option is to enter yellow danfo buses on the mainland. Where possible enter from the park to reduce the risk of robbery. Keke works well if you’re not plying the expressways or main roads and Okada is handy when caught in traffic jams that last hours.
7. Mama put will save your life
If you’re always on the move, waking up by 4 am to leave the house by 5 am and return home at 8 pm you don’t have time to cook at home. At every street corner in Lagos mainland, you’ll find local food sellers serving all the staples from rice, beans, spaghetti, moi moi, meat, plantain, akara and more.
The food is delicious, cheap and filling. A plate cost around N100-N200 depending on how much money you’re willing to spend. If you’re in the mood for swallow, just ask the rice seller and she’ll direct you to the nearest amala spot where you’ll find food for a slightly higher price.
8. Everybody is a suspect, tread carefully
It's not paranoid to walk into a trendy boutique and still have your guards high. Even well-dressed women and men are thieves cloaked as shoppers looking for naïve people to prey on. Just visit Instablog on Instagram or watch the plethora of videos where young attractive people steal phones and purses at high-end fashion stores in Lekki, Ikeja and Victoria Island.
9. Always face traffic when you walk
There is no wrong or right side of the road in Lagos. At least not for kekes and Okada. They will run you over on the sidewalk if you’re cat walking confidently in your sexy heels and tight dress. For your safety, always walk on the side of the road where you can see oncoming traffic and look both ways before you cross even on one-way roads because Keke do not follow traffic rules.
10. Do not insult Didier Drogba or any Chelsea footballer, past or present in public
Chelsea fans are one of the most aggressive people I have come across. People are always carefully when talking about their players because you know one over-passionate, crazed fan could be right behind you about to smash an empty green bottle on your head to defend the honour of the great Didier Drogba.
I was at a public place watching Chelsea and Man Utd playing in the Premier League. A guy seated behind me said Didier Drogba was ugly. A Chelsea fan heard the comment and told him to take it back. He refused and before I could blink, bottles went flying and the police was driving in the cart everyone away. Football isn’t logical in Lagos.
11. There are thieves in the house of God
The intentions of the human heart are scary sometimes but Lagos always attracts the worst of them. It’s not unusual to walk into a church and find people holding their purses and phones when they step out to give offering or dance for Thanksgiving. Pickpockets attend services like other worshippers, stealing jewellery, phones and valuables. Keep your eyes on the word, eyes on the preacher, eyes and hands on your valuables.
12. Betting is a lucrative career
There are many hardworking people in Lagos trying to earn a living and for every one of them you’ll find a lazy person looking to make it quick playing Bet9ja, Nairabet and other betting companies. It's a career path you might consider if you’re struggling to achieve the Lagos dream or you’re impatient to wait for the natural timeline, who knows, you might hit it big as a professional gambler.
13. Mad people look and dress like everyone else
I learnt this lesson the hard way. I was walking to the supermarket to grab a few supplies and there was someone blocking the sidewalk while urinating, I thought it was rude of him but I noticed everyone was going around to take the longer route instead of shouting at him. He was mentally ill.
The next day I met another. Well dresses in a nice suit, tie, briefcase and leather shoes. He hit me as he passed and when I tried to turn back someone else held me and said keep moving, he is crazy. I started noticing more of them on my morning run, looking out for signs but the most obvious was that they never had a mobile phone on them.
Conclusion
Lagos is a crazy place when you live on the mainland. People are paranoid about security because trust is an illusion and everyone is out to get you. Stay vigilant, eat cheap, leave home early and be suspicious of everyone you meet. Kindness is a rarity in a place where only the strong and resilient survive.
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