Have you ever heard this line? Women who end up with abusive partners do so because they are attracted to people with a streak of danger. I call BS. Most women aren’t impulsive. We think through our decisions, mull it over, weigh the pros and cons before making a choice. When we hurt, it hurts deeply because we are emotional beings. No woman enters a relationship with a man knowing he is going to hit them… NO ONE!
Why do more women stay in abusive relationships than those who leave? Statistics show that the average woman won’t leave an abusive partner until they’ve been hit at least five times. Darn! Someone has to hit you five times before it dawns on you they’re never going to change?
If you’re here for a pity party, STOP reading, this is not a “sorry he hits you, it's’ going to get
Why do women stay in abusive relationships?
- Society says you have to stay to make it work
The statistics are outrageous. A recent study of educated women in Lagos and Oyo shows that 56% of women and 65% of educated women have suffered abuse. Data from the National Demographic and Health Survey revealed that over a quarter of all Nigerian women have experienced domestic violence. Nigeria is a patriarchal country where women are at the mercy of men. I’ve seen cases of abused women who ran to the police station when their partners assaulted or raped them and the police sent them right back to their abusive partners calling it a “domestic issue”.
The worst that ever happens to such men is they’re thrown in jail for a night or two to cool off and released to go home and wreak havoc on their families. The church says divorce is a sin. The woman has the unique job of holding the family together and if her husband beats her, she should pray for him and avoid triggers that spark aggression.
- Abuse makes women weak
The first time he hits you, its’ a one-off. Maybe he was drunk, angry, lost some money or other ridiculous excuses you’ve made up to justify his action. Sadly, something has changed, an irrevocable shift in the balance of love, trust and power. It can never be replaced.
When a man hits a woman, it goes beyond the physical pain from a direct jab to the left side of your face, or a backhanded slap that temporarily blinds your left eye, it’s the fear that everything you say and do, could make him angry and violent. No one should live like that.
Every time he hits you, he strips you of your power, takes away your control and slowly turns you into a puppet that needs his approval to breathe. It becomes extremely difficult to leave your master because that leash around your neck has gotten too tight and you simply lack the willpower to unstrap it.
- Leaving an abusive partner is dangerous
Do you realize that when one adult hits another adult, it’s a crime punishable by law? For victims of spousal abuse its different. Your abuser doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong, which makes him a dangerous person. In fact, statistics show that women who leave abusive relationships are more likely to be killed in the weeks after leaving a violent partner.
- The shame of divorce
lets' go back to social institutions and how women have been brainwashed into thinking everything that goes wrong in a relationship is their fault. Have you ever noticed how women look down on other women who’ve left abusive relationships? There’s no pity, understanding or empathy. Its’ like they’re saying to you; “Weak-minded fool, who forced you to marry him, you should have stuck it out!”.
Suddenly, your friends cut you off, your family doesn’t want anything to do with you, parents tell their children to stay away because you might be a negative influence on their kids, teaching them revolution instead of servitude. Meanwhile, your abusive ex, walks tall, nothing changes, he doesn’t get help and when the next woman comes around, no one thinks to warn her about his penchant for hitting women. Its’ a culture of silence that seeks to punish women for being brave and subdue you when you’re tired of bending over.
- You’ve got kids together
Oh my! The ultimate deal breaker and excuse why most women stay in abusive relationships – “we have kids together, how can I raise my children without a stable home”. The definition of stable is changing. Would you rather your kids grow up to see their father hit their mother regularly?
Do you want your sons to think that domestic violence is okay and your daughters to give up on life before it starts? Having kids should be extra motivation to leave a violent husband or boyfriend, not stay until you’ve lost yourself.
Before you leave an abusive relationship…
It’s easy for people who’ve never been hurt, hit, thrown against the wall, or beaten until they black out to tell you…” pack your bags and run!” I’m writing this article because too many of my friends are in abusive relationships and only a few know how to leave even when the desire is there. I grew up in an abusive home and I know what that fear can do to you. For all those who are ready to break free, here’s what you should know.
Earn your own money
I’ve noticed that most men hit women who are completely reliant on them for finance. If a man asks you to quit your job and let him be your sole provider, tell him NO. You need to have an independent source of income that isn’t tied to your spouse. The first question I always ask my friends who want to leave an abusive partner is – Where will you go?
If he knows that you’re helpless, can’t rent a flat, pay bills or feed without him, someone with unresolved psychological issues might easily turn on you. An income gives you a way out when things go bad. Most women who are trapped can’t get out because going back home to their parents is not an option and they don’t have money to live on their own.
Document your injuries
Divorce is easier when you can prove abuse. I know it sounds harsh but its’ the truth. When he hits you, don’t be quick to get treatment, instead take pictures, as many as you can. Tell your friends and loved ones, they can speak in your defence and help you with custody hearing. Abusive men are getting smarter by hitting women in places no one will see. You’re not completely free until you get a divorce, don’t ever think of going back to an abusive partner, reformed or not.
Get a lawyer
There are thousands of Nigerian divorce lawyers who’ll take up your case. If you can’t afford an attorney, some free lawyer services for victims of domestic violence in Nigeria are always on call. Lawpadi provides useful contact information that helps. If you live in Lagos, they’ve set up a unit for victims of domestic and sexual violence.
Your lawyer is an important part of getting out of an abusive relationship. His job is to get you the divorce, full custody of your kids and as much money as possible from your partner. Don’t settle for less. If you’ve documented the abuse, reported cases at the police station even when nothing was done and told your friends about it. You have a mountain of evidence that stacks the odds in your favour.
Find a safe place
Staying on your own, with your kids might not be the best option after you’ve left an abusive spouse. Such men are extremely jealous and will seek you out to either kill you or force you to return home. WACOL and Project Alert are two agencies that provide shelter for abused women. Alternatively, if you have loved ones and friends you could stay with until the divorce is complete, its’ a safer option.
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Plan ahead
On the D-day, you’re not going to have a lot of time to pack and leave, especially if you have kids. Start planning at least a month in advance. Make photocopies of all the important documents such as your kids’ birth certificates, IDs and other critical files
Your spouse shouldn’t have the slightest idea that you’re going to leave. If its’ something he’ll notice, leave it until the big day.
Create a rainy-day fund
When you decide to leave an abusive partner, you’re going to need money that your spouse can’t access or control. Some women start saving up to a year before they’re ready to leave, so they have enough to sustain their kids for the short-term. Are you going to quit your job? What are your prospects for finding a new job that sustains your family without your husband’s income?
What’s the escape plan?
You’ve made all the lists, saved up a tidy sum and you’re all packed to leave. Yet, you keep putting off the big day because you’re afraid you’ll never be able to make it out in the world without someone to lead you. What if he finds you and hurts the kids to get at you? He might come home just as you’re about to leave and then what?
Conclusion
Fear is crippling, it’s a psychological reaction to trauma induced by your oppressor and meant to keep you hostage. Plan your escape. The day you’re to leave, the time, who’s going to come get you? Involve a trusted friend and keep a neighbour in the loop so that if things go south, someone can get help for you. Make sure your children understand what’s going on, it’s easier to run when everyone is on the same page.
Men who abuse women are vile creatures. They don’t want a wife or partner, they want a servant that cowers in fear. We haven’t come so far, made so many sacrifices only to encourage our kids to watch us be victimized and continue the cycle of violence. A man who loves you does not induce fear or hurts you. Domestic violence is not an act of love, remember that the next time he hits you and you rush to hide it from your friends, kids and extended family.
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